THE SCOURGE OF RBF

For some time, I have become more aware that for years, if not decades, I have been afflicted with RBF.  Resting Bitch Face is an unfortunate condition where the default relaxed facial expression connotes displeasure, unfriendliness, irritability, or any host of other off-putting signals.  In my case, this has probably created a misconception with employers, coworkers, and others that I am severe or judgmental.  This miscue belies that I am, in fact, sweet as pecan pie. 

Compounding the dilemma is the fact that on occasion I can, in a moment of weakness, let my alter ego Evil Bruce do the driving.  An attempt to be quick witted can result in a proffered sarcastic retort, or an intended witty aside.  My love of a well-turned phrase seduces me into inadvertently wounding a more tender casual bystander with an ill-considered remark.  My acerbic tongue has no doubt done more damage than I ever intended.  Combined with RBF, it leaves me with quite a hole to dig myself out of.  Perception has a way of becoming reality. 

Walking down the boulevard, the attentive casual observer may note that the syndrome is more prevalent than previously known.  So, what can be done to aid the legions of sufferers?  Well, we could establish a charitable foundation and solicit donations.  But there would be the temptation to pay myself a fat salary as the administrator of the Nelson Foundation.  Or to commission a six-foot-tall $20,000 portrait of myself as the founder, like former President Grab-Em-By-The-Genitals.  Or repurpose charitable funds for motivational speaking engagements that I never deliver.  (I understand that’s a thing in my former home state of Mississippi.)  There would be too much of a chance that I’d end up on the 6 o’clock news.  And nobody needs that. 

A more straightforward solution might be this:  when you observe an unfortunate with RBF, make eye contact and smile.  If your benevolent gesture proves unproductive, you have an indication that perhaps the anomaly goes deeper than a fluke of facial expression.  There is also the potential for a little mischief if your effort produces confusion.  The hapless recipient may be left checking their fly to see if its open or wondering if there is something hanging from their nose.  If your act of kindness runs afoul, it still has the potential for some entertainment value.  But on a percentage basis, I have faith that the kindness will yield the desired result. 

As for this high-mileage poster child for RBF, I assure you that your random act of kindness will be reciprocated.  Thanking you in advance.  We can eliminate Resting Bitch Face in our lifetime.  Or not.  Whatever.  Nevermind.